A decade ago, give or take – feeling at crisis point in my mental health and desperately socially disconnected – I "went up for prayer" at a church I was visiting. (I find it hard to do this at my own church when I feel desperately socially disconnected. It's hard enough even to be at my own church at such times). And the gentle, kindly woman who placed her hand on my shoulder and prayed some simple, general, healing words to suit my simple, general, hurting plea looked thoughtfully at me afterwards and said "just, if and when you can, keep taking each next step towards Jesus, whatever that looks like," or words to that effect. It seemed as good a plan as any, so I did. (Not instead of getting medical and professional help, I hasten to add; seeking out and receiving whatever support is available has always felt more like an action of faith than a compromise of it).
Since then, stepping towards Jesus has taken me (slowly, often painfully, and usually the long way round) to places I never imagined, and kept me going through weather I'd never have chosen. And my faith has grown; my prayer life, my knowledge of the Bible, my un-pin-downable but undeniable feeling that I "know God" and am known by God. And that's ... well, it's great! It's exciting and life-giving and praise-inducing. It's also, well, terrifying, in its way. Faith is "not hedging your bets" – it has to be, to mean anything. But the more "all in" you go, with nothing to fall back on ... the less you've got to fall back on. (Funny, that). Not that I want anything to fall back on. But it all catches up with me sometimes...
...Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?"... Matthew 14:22-33
[Thumbnail image: ''Walking on Water'' by Ivan Aivazovsky. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.]
Since then, stepping towards Jesus has taken me (slowly, often painfully, and usually the long way round) to places I never imagined, and kept me going through weather I'd never have chosen. And my faith has grown; my prayer life, my knowledge of the Bible, my un-pin-downable but undeniable feeling that I "know God" and am known by God. And that's ... well, it's great! It's exciting and life-giving and praise-inducing. It's also, well, terrifying, in its way. Faith is "not hedging your bets" – it has to be, to mean anything. But the more "all in" you go, with nothing to fall back on ... the less you've got to fall back on. (Funny, that). Not that I want anything to fall back on. But it all catches up with me sometimes...
THEN, AGAIN
I remember an outstretched hand,
Immediately, just in time;
Choking up, flailing, unable to stand
As the deep opened wide.
Immediately, just in time,
It was there. Where the chaos prevailed,
As the deep opened wide
And the elements howled.
It was there, where the chaos prevailed,
You had called me beyond my extent.
And the elements howled,
But I went.
You had called me beyond my extent:
It can’t possibly hold, they had warned,
But I went,
And I came to no harm.
It can’t possibly hold, they had warned;
Even though I have floundered before
And I came to no harm,
There are moments I wake into fear.
Even though I have floundered before,
I was never this far in the lurch.
There are moments I wake into fear:
The attempt is too much.
I was never this far in the lurch;
Choking up, flailing, unable to stand.
The attempt is too much.
I remember an outstretched hand.
Carolyn Whitnall, 2018.
...Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?"... Matthew 14:22-33
[Thumbnail image: ''Walking on Water'' by Ivan Aivazovsky. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.]
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