Ever since I started trying to write poetry in earnest, looking back has generally been nauseating. How can it be that lines I am so proud of at the time of writing always seem so ... so ... well, so earnest (at best) six months later?
Here's an early sonnet that I do still harbour some residual affection for. It is one of the less irksome outputs of a training exercise I set myself, to poetically connect passages in Acts with personal experience. The poem itself doesn't really rise above the status of 'exercise piece' but the process was a thought-provoking and prayerful one: Felix reminds me of a number of people I care about.
Here's an early sonnet that I do still harbour some residual affection for. It is one of the less irksome outputs of a training exercise I set myself, to poetically connect passages in Acts with personal experience. The poem itself doesn't really rise above the status of 'exercise piece' but the process was a thought-provoking and prayerful one: Felix reminds me of a number of people I care about.
HAPPY NOWYour head is full of knowledge, and your heart
Of reticence. These strange ideas alarm —
How they alarm! From time to time you start
The Conversation: tap me on the arm,
And take a seat, and sound me out. Until:
“I’m hearing ‘righteousness’, and ‘temperance’ —
What is this? ‘Judgement’ too — I’ve had my fill;
Spare me your reasoning a while.” For sense
Enough it makes to make you nervous: stop!
Take stock … revocalise those cherished dreams;
There's money to be made, and friends. Don't drop
The ball for crazy, self-denying schemes.
Our years elapse; you hear, fear, reassure
Yourself by turns, and long for nothing, more.
Carolyn Whitnall, 2012
But Felix, having a rather accurate knowledge of the Way, put them off, saying, “When Lysias the tribune comes down, I will decide your case.” Then he gave orders to the centurion that he should be kept in custody but have some liberty, and that none of his friends should be prevented from attending to his needs. After some days Felix came with his wife Drusilla, who was Jewish, and he sent for Paul and heard him speak about faith in Christ Jesus. And as he reasoned about righteousness and self-control and the coming judgment, Felix was alarmed and said, “Go away for the present. When I get an opportunity I will summon you.” At the same time he hoped that money would be given him by Paul. So he sent for him often and conversed with him. When two years had elapsed, Felix was succeeded by Porcius Festus. And desiring to do the Jews a favor, Felix left Paul in prison. (Acts 24:22-27)
That sinking, anxious feeling that 'maybe there's something in this after all' ... And you'd rather stick with what you know, at least for now, and keep on going after what you already decided to want from life. I imagine it's probably not that different to how I feel in moments of doubt: what if none of this is real after all? if my relationship with God is all in my head? if I've thrown my life away for a delusion? It's a deeply unsettling thought process and whilst I find my own faith repeatedly re-affirmed and deepening a) I hope it's not for lack of willingness to be challenged and b) I feel for those contemplating that faith-step from the other side because it is a big one. It changes everything -- or rather, maybe, oneself relative to everything (like Neo's red pill/blue pill choice). But I believe, and my experience supports, that it is reasonable [1] and transformational and more than worth it -- and my prayer for anyone who knows something of Felix's alarm is that they have the courage to consider whether it might be trying to wake them up to a reality they do not want to miss ... [2]
[1] By which I mean 'not without basis in reason' -- not that you can reason your way entirely to a belief position (of any kind; cf. this thought-provoking article by atheist philosopher Crispin Sartwell).
[2] The accounts about Jesus are a good place to start in that 'considering' process. Prayer too; you don't have to have fully decided if you believe in God to try talking to Him (e.g. that's how then-atheist poet Mary Karr got to know Him, according to her Poetry magazine essay 'Facing Altars: Poetry and Prayer').
[Thumbnail image cc from Anonymous Account on Flickr]
[1] By which I mean 'not without basis in reason' -- not that you can reason your way entirely to a belief position (of any kind; cf. this thought-provoking article by atheist philosopher Crispin Sartwell).
[2] The accounts about Jesus are a good place to start in that 'considering' process. Prayer too; you don't have to have fully decided if you believe in God to try talking to Him (e.g. that's how then-atheist poet Mary Karr got to know Him, according to her Poetry magazine essay 'Facing Altars: Poetry and Prayer').
[Thumbnail image cc from Anonymous Account on Flickr]
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