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A little learning is a dangerous thing...

[Edited to add (02/06/12): I keep taking this down and putting it back up again, because it was written in a moment of high emotion and it all seems a little bit too much about 'me', and 'feelings' and all that -- which, believe it or not, was not at all my intention when I started writing stuff. I hope I will find some more interesting things to write about in the future, but for now I will add this to the mix lest anyone think I am setting myself up as some sort of example of how to go about all this learning-and-thinking business. I am but come to it lately myself and have many mistakes yet to make...]

In the words of Jeff Buckley (albeit the song's a cover), "I think more than I want to think; do things I never should do". But I will stop there, because, mercifully, the drug references do not apply. "Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh." (Ecclesiastes 12:12b)

Over-zealous introspection, naive and cursory reading of various 'important' thinkers (my Kindle informs me I'm 32% through Freud's 'Interpretation of Dreams', and I have an understanding of Nietszche which is about level with having skimmed through his Wikiquotes page) and various circumstantial triggers to past struggles have culminated in, well, mental discomfort. I seem to be comprised of little else than frustrated Will to Power and divers Wish-Fulfilling delusions. “If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.” (Abraham Lincoln)

Well, I have, and the discovery is, right now, acutely painful. And worse, I think my intensified awareness has actually served to exacerbate rather than mitigate my screwy, self-deceiving mindset, and impacted on my actions in a way which is just plain not good.
"The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an exception." (Nietszche)
So where is Jesus in all of this? Excluded from my wish-fulfilling fantasies, excluded from my power plays; there's no place for him in pursuits which are so contrary to his nature and his will for my life. He is the voice of reason, calling me back to reality even though it hurts; he is Truth. The Narrow Way is not comfortable; it is not the easy, wish-fulfilling option that Freud might paint it as. I have other ways before me that are more appealing, require less of me, but, in the words of Simon Peter, "…to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God." (John 6:68-69)

He is also the One who shows me how to humble myself and waits patiently for me to lay down my 'will to power' at his feet -- not seizing it from me in spite of his superior might and right. Laying down my life and my own agenda hurts, it costs; it certainly doesn't feel like a power play in another form, as Nietszche would frame it. Jesus set the ultimate example:
"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:5-8)
I have a yearning to say more. And a yearning to say it more intelligently/intellectually. But actually my intent when I started writing was simply to record the fact that in my deepest frustrations with myself I find, more powerfully than ever, that Jesus is completely 'other' to the broken, corrupt machinations and self-deceit of my heart. He stands out as real and rational, and myself the delusion. He offers no get-out clauses on reality -- but he does provide in himself a new way of relating to it, and in all my self-inflicted weariness I really need to learn to take him up on the offer.
"Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

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